For the imperfect Fashion lover.

Sunday, 9 June 2019

I'll be the Judge of that! | #fakeituntilyoumakeit LINK UP

How many times have you heard the phrase:

"You shouldn't Judge!"

Or listened to some self-righteous person telling you:

"I never judge people, it's just wrong!"

They're kidding themselves on.

The fact that they feel the need to boast about their lack of judgemental behaviour means they're judging you, and your intelligence!

Making judgements is a normal part of life.
Human nature.
An essential tool for survival.

We judge situations.
We constantly risk assess.
We judge people that we meet.
Are they trustworthy?

Think about the importance of first impressions.

Not judging (or making the wrong judgement) can be a dangerous business.
Sometimes serious.

It's important to make our normal-human-nature judgements then be sufficiently open-minded to be flexible.

Flexible judgements are the only way!

A first impression might leave you thinking someone is horribly rude but you may later discover that person has autism and their perceived rudeness was just them being literal.

You might think someone else is arrogant only to find out they were nervous and full of self-doubt.

You might make a judgement about someone's appearance:

"Look at that fat person, they must be so lazy!" 
"Get off your bum, put down that pizza and go for a walk!"


"Look at that skinny person, I bet they never eat!" 
"Step off that treadmill and go and eat a pie for goodness sake!"

Judging happens, but it can be unfair.
Those people will have a story.
A whole host of background issues.
Inflexible judging is as dangerous as not judging at all.

Let me tell you a funny(ish) story...

I was at the gym the other day (surprise!) standing outside a class talking to an instructor, my good friend and two other regulars.
The instructor was looking for suggestions so we were all discussing tracks we loved and disliked.

The topic of lunges came up.
{Cue a collective groan!}
Then I pipe up:

"Oh, I LOVE lunges!"

My friend laughs:

"You're just weird!"

The other women laughed too.
Then one of the women says to me... with her lip slightly curled and her tone serious:

"Of course, it's alright for you...your legs are too skinny." 
"Lunging is easy when you're so skinny!"

{"Too skinny"?!
Ouch... that took me back to hurtful comments like "knotty cottons" and "Chicken legs" from my childhood.}

I laughed.
Not because it was funny.
But because I'm used to these kinds of comments and can't be bothered getting defensive about them.
What's the point?

Even though comments like these are not okay.
I still accept them.

I'm sure she didn't mean to be so venomous.
I bet she was even joking (a little).
Maybe she thought it was some kind of compliment to be called skinny?

I realise that her comment is not really anything to do with me.
It's more about her and her relationship with her own body.

But these comments DO still hurt.

The most surprising part of it all was that my friend was very offended on my behalf and got VERY angry.
She rightly pointed out that the woman had no right to judge me.

I might have a background story.
What if I had a medical condition or was recovering from an eating disorder.
Or have other phycological issues that nasty comments about my physicality might push me into an unhealthy place.

{I HAVE been in an unhealthy place and it's not pretty... it's also a waste of time.}

What if you'd said to her:

"No wonder you hate lunges, your legs are too fat!" 
"You weigh too much!"

Everyone would have been up in arms!
You'd have been thrown out of the gym, barred.
Put in the stocks and pelted with rotten eggs
BUT it's okay to call you skinny?!
I'm so annoyed!

I must tell you that I felt very grateful for her protective anger.
What a fab friend.

And she's spot on!
I shouldn't have to accept comments like that.
No one should.

Why do some women think it's okay to tear each other down?

Are you a flexible judger?
Have you been on the receiving end of body shaming comments?
Or, have you ever skinny-shamed someone without realising it could hurt them?
I'd love to know!

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  1. My daughter is suffering from judgemental people because of her autistic son. It's awful. I would say in my younger years I was a judge but s I've grown older and wiser I'm not at all xx

    1. I can imagine it must be hard Laurie.
      People are naturally judgemental and condemn others without even getting the full story.
      Why let the FACTS get in the way of a good gossip.
      On the plus side people (in general) are more aware of the fact that autism exists and may have a little more compassion.
      Some are just not capable... unless, of course, these things are happening to them.
      Then the world needs to stop turning.
      I hope things get easier for your daughter and your grandson.

  2. I know what you are saying! I get things like "Your face is too thin" "You used to be fuller in the face" .. these kind of remarks are hurtful! I don't know why people feel the need to make these statements if they are not helpful. I am conscientious of what I say and don't wish to be hurtful to people. Good post!
    Hope you are doing well!
    jess xx

    1. We can't help our faces being long or round or square can we Jess!!
      That is just rude.
      What do these people expect you to do about your slim face?? Fill your cheeks with cherries?
      People are strange aren't they?
      They'd be up in arms if you retorted "Your backside is too fat, it used to be smaller!" :oP

  3. This post is SPOT ON Samantha. I look at your legs and think how incredible they are, but I wouldn't DREAM of saying "oh it's alright for you..." where they're concerned. Everyone has their own story as you say and throwaway comments hurt! I've learnt to never, ever compare my own hangups/concerns about my own body or appearance to someone else's.

    I'm currently getting back to fitness as much as I can (having just returned from a retreat) and am not looking to "get legs like Samantha's"... I'm looking to make my legs (and whole body) the best and healthiest that MY body can be. Thank you for writing this post!

    Catherine x

    1. You are very kind Catherine, thank you!
      Your trip looked like the perfect way to kickstart a new fitness plan... certainly a shock for the system.
      I was looking at your calories "in" and weeping!
      I'm looking forward to following your journey.
      Getting stronger is SO important as we head north of 45.... eeek!!
      Bones get weaker, muscles waste away.
      It's great that you're doing something about it an inspiring other people to join you.
      Thin legs should NEVER be a goal for anyone... STRONG wind every time!

  4. This is such a good post, Sam. I try not to be over judgmental but you're right, we all do it without even realising it can be hurtful sometimes. I do try and think before I open my mouth though!! I wish I loved lunges LOL....!!!
    Suzy xx

    1. Hahahahha... I'm surprised you don't love a lunge Suzy!
      You must have thighs of steel and flexible hips being such a yoga bunny :oP

  5. My mind is a bit boggled, Sam. When did it become acceptable to be rude? (I'm not talking about jokey back-handed compliments between friends, where the message is clearly 'wish I had your legs'.) Unless it's a sincere compliment why would you ever comment on a stranger's appearance to them?

    You're right, of course, that we quickly assess people on first appearances, but why wouldn't we keep that to ourselves? We're adults, we know that assessment will likely change as we get to know the person. I'd have missed several valuable friendships if either of us had blurted out our first thoughts, haha! Su

    1. Very true Su! :o)
      Although a good friendship is based on honesty the line must be drawn at nasty comments.
      We should be building each other up... women have it hard enough in an unfair world.

  6. I’m going to judge here. There’s just no way that woman isn’t jealous of your legs, you entire figure, for that matter, and your beauty. Which is sad. I would just enjoy having such a beautiful friend or acquaintance.

    1. Kathleen, you are very kind... and VERY generous with this comment.
      Thank you.

  7. Sigh. Judgement is just so TIRING. Hearing it, being subject to it, getting outraged over it, ugh. Don't we have better things to do with our time? I think many of us have THOUGHTS, even if we consider ourselves nonjudgemental...but here's the thing - KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, ha! Say something NICE, something ENCOURAGING, something HELPFUL, something CONSTRUCTIVE. What is it that doctors say? FIRST, DO NO HARM. And oh yeah, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK (doctors don't say that but we should).

    Your comments are spot on, Samantha.



    1. HERE HERE!
      Well said Bettye.
      Let's build each other up and be friends.


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